Have you ever been to a party and notice you are the only one left in the room because everyone has slowly disappeared into the back room or back yard or had a sudden need to walk the dog? What is a secret? It is a matter to be concealed from the eyes of those who surround us. We have to habitually deceive key people so they don't find out! We aren't going to stop the thing because we crave and thirst for it with pleasure. We love it so much we lie to ourselves that there is nothing wrong with it! We craftily devise ways to enjoy our addiction without getting "busted" by the law or our own loved ones. But, fairly enough, it absolutely could be a confidential matter that is personal like the relationship with a best friend or doctor or lawyer. It could be the task of the administrator of a corporation knowing the layoffs are coming. They are sworn not to disclose what is shared in private, who is on the HIT LIST for downsizing, that would be harmful to share as public knowledge and would cause a raucous at work which would be bad for business! Funny, this is the same ethics code shared amongst our fellow substance abuse users network.
In addiction, it is our 'dirty little secret' we hide that only the people who partake in our secret are privy too. You know, like when you are at a party or an event and your buddy with the goods arrives, gives you the wink, or nod to come hither for your fix. Oh that thrill of anticipation, the comradery with other users, the deep breath and exhale that will change your state of mind in a moment and numb you out of your current reality. Ahh, the escape from real life, the people we are stuck with, their noisy chatter or their opinions that bug, detaching from those that love us to spiral down in our minds to the great ESCAPE into that lonely state of isolation from REAL life, or meaningful discussions and then we find something to fixate on that is far away from the thoughts, feelings, and conversations of those "sober" people. For a few hours we can dumb down and give our minds over to the enticing control of the powers of darkness. The 'functional addicts' wait for when the evening or weekend comes so they can have another chance to escape and be of no value to the world as it is. Our secret "party for one" for a few more waking hours, so we can be stupid, and too slow to engage in a critical thinking situation or drive. It's kind of like having a case of Alzheimer's for a bit! Makes for a great relationship to be around. Oh the joy of it all! Our drug of choice.......
We are known by our fruit actually, our character defects we cannot always hide from the masses. Like the scriptures say, "Your sin will find you out". Years of lying, devising secret plans to hurry off to do our secret thing, pretending to be someone we are not, being a master manipulator, deceiver of innocent bystanders certainly opens the door to more confusion, pain, strife and deeds of darkness. God, my Higher Power is not mocked, in fact there are 6-7 things He HATES! (see proverbs 6:16-19) He just turns His back on us in our folly because we have our head so far up our own AR$$ that we can be of no service to Him in this state, His salvation and deliverance will just pass us by when we are so deep in our denial. Unfortunately, we are always the last to know we have a little problem until it really cuts deep, creating wounds with ruin and devastation to someone else's life besides our own.
What to do? Seek help and reach out! In 12-Step recovery they say, "90 meetings in 90 days" and "get a sponsor" and be of service somehow is a start! It's FREE or costs $1 per meeting. Don't worry, with honesty and surrender there is HOPE! With dishonesty and lies and justifying our habit there is only sorrow and sadness awaiting. It does NOT get better from here. Missing out on the blessings from the universe is kinda SAD I think until we turn it ALL over in surrender! Will I come clean? Not unless I admit I am powerless over my tendency to do the wrong thing... it has to be wrong FIRST! (And therein, lies the rub! How many MORE years of denial will I wait I wonder?)
Step 1 We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behavior. That our lives had become unmanageable .
Step 2 We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
Step 3 We made a decision to turn your life and will over to the care of God....
Get a sponsor to move on from here....... You are gonna need one to be accountable to who understands the tendency to lie, deceive and manipulate others so we can keep doing what we relish in secret.
We must learn to take this world as it is, experience life sober, alert and watching for the direction and guidance that comes with surrendering our faults, poor decisions and sins to our Higher Power, God who loves us and wishes for us to STOP the insanity. We are missing OUT on the blessings that come with being alive, alert and being willing to pray for and serve our brothers and sisters who need us to share our experience, strength and hope. We desire to serve the Chief Shepherd or we don't. OR we can keep going pell-mell down the road of self-destruct and hurt as many people along the way that we can. Ummmm, which will you choose? Will you seek counsel from your friends who are fellow users/addicts to down play the issue here or will YOU seek out those who are living in the day who are working the steps and finding peace, love and joy in their own hard earned sobriety? I want to LIVE and be free from the bondage of my secret behavior!
